Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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