Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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