I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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