Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
