I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
