Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
