Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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