Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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