Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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