I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
