I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
