I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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