Please, let me fuck your mom
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
