My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
