im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize