put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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