I met the friendliest cop last night
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
