i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
