I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
