dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I didn't notice because vodka
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
