Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
operation have a gay friend backfired
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
