I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
