You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Randomize
