Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
