i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
