Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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