Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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