I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There r osticjed everywhere
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize