your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm like, not good at living.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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