Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the liver wants what the liver wants
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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