Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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