I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
