so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
