You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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