He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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