Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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