Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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