this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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