She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
