new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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