I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
