life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
