it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
