Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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