hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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