I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
