she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Randomize