i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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