I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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