I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
