I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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