hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
