Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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