I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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