I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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