why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
