just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
