I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
