I wanna bring you to show and tell
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
