I'm going to rape someone's good day.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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