Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
