You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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