areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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