My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
