Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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