She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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