Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
