Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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