Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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