You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
