8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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