At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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