I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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