Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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