i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
