Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
